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Prologue :D

It was a mildly chilly day. Mist hugged the ground and trees covering the paths. The trees were so close together in the forest that even with the sun at noon, little light got through the thick leaves. The forest had a large mountain range called the Vagarns'. There was also a very large clearing in the heart of the forest where the capital of Astra, Lestor, sat housing the royal Evarg family and some of the oldest and greatest metal workers ever known
The forest is ringing with the sounds of war, hammers on metal and chain mail clinking, the ground thudding with feet preparing to march. Illaden, the current queen of all elves, had just received a missive from her daughter at the front.
Dear wise queen and Mother,
We have defeated three of five flanks of Ludoa’s Calvary, the last two flanks protecting their general from us. Many of our men are a little weak from their use of magic. We have won today, and we are hoping to get your blessing in attacking them again to finish them off. Please send a response quickly so we will know what you command of us.
Your Loyal Princess and General
Deloi Evarg

The queen quickly read the letter and re-rolled it. She had already started forming a plan when she read that they had to fight Genoar’s men in open combat. It was not far to the humans who where recruited by Genoar to fight them, for the elves speed and knowledge of magic. Oh she would have her revenge of him; she shall order Deloi to capture Anner, Genoar's son. He shall pay heed to her then. Yes, now all that is left is to write it out and send it. She had got the knowledge of his location with the cavalry from her scrying. The Queen knew that Deloi and her peers could accomplish it. She had faith in their abilities; she just hoped that Deloi would be careful with him. Anner had been trained by Genoar himself, just as Deloi was trained by her father.

Comments

Hi Julie,

Great choice of themes for your blog.

The theme of your story has potential. Fantasy writing has a good following of readers.

Before commenting, I am curious as to what kind of feedback are you looking for. There is a lot of help to be gained from the comments of others but remember that this is your story. Let the ideas inspire you but always write for yourself.

Namaste
Hello, I also am a new blogger. I would love to give you feed back in response you give me feedback. I feel we are both in the same boat, lots to write but need constuctive feedback. On my blog I post sample writings and infor about writing, its a journal of a sort, so stop by.
Also this is a good story line. I like the ideas bubbling around in your head. Now when I was reading this I was wanting to know what was going on in the queens personal thoughts. Maybe you could give us a scene where we enter her thoughts and see her feelings. I wonder where she is at when she recieves the letter and what is she doing at the time, stuff like that. You could write in first person for her. And yes remember this is your story, above all let your ideas be number one. Happy Blogging
CathM said…
This is an interesting start... I look forward to seeing where you take this story! I agree with Dale – some build up/background info to the point of the letter might be something you could explore.

A couple of typo/grammar points:-
Should read ‘a’ where you write: “It was I mildly chilly day.”

Should read ‘Vagarns’ where you write: “The forest had a large mountain range called the Vagarn’s.” – unless you are saying that ‘Vargarn’s’ is the name i.e. how it would be written on a sign.

Should read ‘Genoar’s son’ where you write: “Oh she would have her revenge of him; she shall order Deloi to capture Anner, Genoars son.”
The flow of the story is critical to 'hook' the reader. As your write, look for cadence in the words that project a feeling for what you are trying to say. Read the first paragraph to yourself. There are many ways to say this without beginning with "It was a".

Consider something like this:

""A chilly mist hung low to the ground, cloaking the trees covering the path. Even with the sun standing high in the noon sky, little light penetrated the thick canopy of leaves above. In a large clearing in the heart of the forest stood the capital of Astra, Lestor, shadowed by the massive Vagarns mountain range to the east. Lestor was the home of the royal Evarg family and to some of the oldest and greatest metal workers ever known.""

It is good to write the story you want to write but try to read it from the standpoint of someone not familiar with your thoughts. Will they be able to emotionally connect with the characters? Can they visualize the setting? This is one of the times a writer needs to be very critical of themselves. Don't let your anxiousness to finish keep you from analyzing at every level.

You are off to a good start.

Namaste,
Roger

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